SUGGESTIONS FOR THE EX-SAILOR WHO MISSES
THE "GOOD OLD DAYS"
Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife pull back the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry, wrong rack".
Every time there's a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can, until you get nauseous.
Put lube oil in the humidifier, and set it to "HIGH".
Don't watch TV, except for movies in the middle of the night. Also, have your family vote on which movie to watch, than show a different one.
Have the paper boy give you a haircut.
Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.
Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter sandwich on stale bread. (Optional: Canned ravioli or cold soup).
Without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator, make up your family menu a week in advance.
Set your alarm clock to go off at random times throughout the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed, get dressed as fast as you can and run out into your yard and break out the garden hose.
Once a month, take every major appliance apart and then put them back together.
Optional for ex-engineering types: Leave the lawn mower running in your living room six hour a day for proper noise level.
Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 6 hours before drinking.
Invite 85 people you don't really like to come and visit for a couple of months. Put the two youngest ones in charge.
Have a florescent light installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills on your front and back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.
Every so often, throw the cat in the swimming pool, shout, "Man overboard, ship recovery!", run into the kitchen and sweep all the pots, pans and dishes off the counter onto the floor and then yell at your wife for not having the place "stowed for sea".
Put on the headphones to your stereo. Don't plug them in. Stand in front of your stove. Announce to no one in particular, "Stove manned and ready". Stand there for three or four hours, announce, once again to no one in particular, "Stove secured". Roll up the headphone cord and put them away.